Snake A long time ago on a website far, far away…
The year was 2015; it was a simpler time. Cuba and the US had reestablished diplomatic relations. The world watched an on-air shooting in the state of Virginia. Trump was ramping up his attempt to rule and ruin the world. Okay, maybe it wasn’t simpler when you actually look back at it. But, 2015 felt at least a tad more carefree than the last few oppressive years have.
It was the year that I convinced my acquaintance, Snake, to start writing for the site that I was currently co-running (now defunct). He had his sights on writing reviews and he told me he was ready to spit fire. Not really sure what that meant in regards to an badly aging Offspring album, I approved his request to review Days Go By and let him both express and vent. Below is the very first thing that Bad Copy’s now faithful roadie-gone-writer ever published. So dive in and enjoy a take so spicy, it’s hotter than a white man stealing a hot sauce recipe from his nanny and, years later, marketing it as his own Gringo brand.
Originally posted on February 16, 2015
Before you read on and ask why I’m writing a review of a record that came out two years ago, understand that I’m not a record reviewer nor do I even consider myself a writer. The whole point of this column is to prove that nine times out of ten, one of my dumb ideas actually sees the light of day. Mostly I come up with idiotic shit to entertain myself and whoever is listening. Well kids, somebody listened and thought this dumb idea was good enough to grace this site with its ugly presence.
My dear friend Kendra thought people should read what I have to say regarding things you probably forgot about on purpose, because the albums I plan on reviewing are utter crap. This is intended to make people laugh. No feelings are spared; if you go online full of feelings, you’re a fragile person that should seek help. Your feelings are going to get hurt. If you happen to be one of the “artists” I review and you get upset, definitely seek out help because “artists” are often fragile people. And I would hate to send you over the ledge because you put out a shitty record in ’08. Nah… scratch that. Let’s begin!
With all that being said, my first assignment wasn’t the record I wanted to do. I was told to review a record by a “punk artist.” I knew exactly which throat I was going after based on the audio tragedies this band has brought about for the last twenty years. The Offspring is a popular band from the region of Southern California known as Orange County. It is home to beaches, Disneyland, and lifted F-150 pick-up trucks. But it’s also rich in culture and music history. I heard No Doubt started there! That should affirm that “The O.C.” is a mecca of talent.
To conduct my review I will listen to Days Go By from start to finish… or until I reach under the sink and power drink any chemicals I can get my stubby little hands on in an attempt to end. I’m going into this review knowing I have never liked this band and will have nothing positive to say. And having skimmed this record a bit already I’m glad I have the suicide hotline on speed dial.
To give a little insight about this album so I don’t sound like a complete idiot, I turned to the internet’s #1 source of truth: Wikipedia. That site is always spot on. According to Wiki, this is the band’s ninth studio record. Wait….NINE RECORDS???? What the fuck? They’ve done this NINE times? Anyway, they turned to famed producer and ironic name owner Bob Rock to turn the dials.
Originally slated for a 2010 release, it was pushed back so the band could tour and Dexter Holland could peddle hot sauce. Yes, he makes hot sauce. The whitest guy in America has his own brand of hot sauce. Apparently, the record came out in 2012 to rave reviews. I think. I don’t know for sure. Maybe people liked it. I was probably drunk most of 2012, so I must have missed that blurb on Punk News. Oh wait, Wiki said it debuted at #12. I guess that’s good. But truth be told, the real reason I’m writing this piece to address one of the worst fucking songs ever: “Cruisin’ California (Bumpin’ in my Trunk)”.
The first time I heard this on my local “Alternative” Rock station, I thought it was some joke being played by the wacky morning deejays. Alas, it was not. In fact, it was a real song by a real band. That real band was The Offspring. At the time, I thought my eardrums had been granted a pardon from ever having to hear Dex’s nasally voice again. It was bad. But soon, it became much worse than I had ever feared.
After the opening chorus, he broke into a white dude rap of sorts. The music itself could be a backing track for Katy Perry to cackle over. I’m convinced that if you take out the vocal track of “Cruisin California”, it would be the perfect background music for a commercial selling feminine hygiene products or for when the voice over on a Viagra commercial is listing the drug’s awesome side effects. The lyrics to this song make me picture good ol’ Dex as a dad trying to stay relevant while he embarrasses his kid at his birthday party. Go home Dad, you’re drunk.
I prattled on long enough about one track, so I’ll wrap this turd up neatly for you so you can get back to trolling people on web forums. The first track is an obvious Rise Against rip off, as is Track 4. Which Rise Against song you ask? Does it matter? They all sound the same to me. But I can’t stand Rise Against. So if one awful band wants to grease up another awful band’s nether regions in exchange for a few handy chords, who am I to judge? And what’s worse, the title track “Days Go By” sounds like Dex gave Dave Grohl a lifetime supply of Gringo Bandito hot sauce in exchange for one of Grohl’s afterthoughts. I could go on, but I’d rather you listen to this and remember that this band has sold over 50 MILLION records. That’s a lot of people with horrible taste in music.
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