Bad Copy

I know it sounds cheesy but this is literally a dream come true for me. I’ve been singing and writing my whole life but never performed until a few years ago because of intense stage fright. I used to daydream about playing shows like this but couldn’t imagine I’d ever have the courage or opportunity to actually do it.

So to be here now… about to stand on stage in a space intentionally created to amplify feminine voices and power… it’s mind-blowing in the best way. It’s a testament to my personal power but even more so to the power of coming together and lifting each other up. It rejects the patriarchy-induced scarcity mindset that says we need to compete for one token spot and shows that by coming together, we actually create more space for each other. When we unite, we’re fierce as hell.

It tends to bring an ease and positivity to the room that’s really liberating for me. Instead of a critical, guarded vibe, there’s this feeling of mutual support, like everybody wants each other to win. You can feel it all night as a performer – the encouragement before the show, the smiles and dancing during, and the celebrations and kudos afterwards. When you feel the crowd rooting for you to crush it rather than trying to spot your mistakes and flaws, it’s so much easier to relax and let loose on stage, which usually makes for an awesome show.

I’d want her to feel freedom to show her true self. I’d want her to look at all of these bad ass, talented, totally different artists and see that femininity and beauty and creativity don’t look or sound just one way – they can be loud, quiet, big, small, in-your-face, understated, awkward, charming, hyper sexual, super casual, warm, snarky, messy, polished, calm, angry… there’s space for all of it. You don’t have to squeeze yourself into some tiny imaginary box to be worthy of people’s attention.

Honestly, I still actively struggle with this. Being newer to performing and band life and also the only woman in a band with three very experienced and talented men, imposter syndrome definitely rears its ugly head. Thankfully, my bandmates are used to strong, smart, talented women, having played in bands like Dance Hall Crashers and Year of the Fist. So the main struggle for me is internal.

Like a lot of women, I’ve been conditioned to feel like I have to be an expert and know my shit backwards and forwards before speaking up, which is such a creativity killer in addition to being sexist BS. I’m working on remembering that my perspective deserves just as much space as everyone else’s, even if I don’t have the jargon or years of experience to back it up. In general, I’m trying to trust my instincts and knowledge so I can just open my mouth, let my ideas flow out without overthinking, and believe they belong in the room.

As a child singing along to records in my bedroom, I was captivated by Pat Benatar – what a voice! So soaring and beautiful but also a bit gritty and edgy. I used to think my voice was “weird” – lots of vibrato and emotion – so I’ve always felt validated by female voices that were a bit unconventional: Stevie Nicks, Annie Lennox, Tracy Chapman, Sarah McLachlan, Tori Amos, Florence Welch.

And more recently, I was inspired to finally get my ass up on stage by the women in DIY punk and indie bands like Year of the Fist, Skip the Needle, Loud Graves, Go Betty Go, Small Crush, Tsunami Bomb, and Family Obligation. Some of my new favs are Black Gold Sun, Gloomy June, Sit Pretty, Damage Party, Hot Laundry, and Hauntu (our Sell The Heart Records label mates!). Plus, there are a few bands in development that I’m eagerly awaiting. So much femme-powered goodness!

Womanhood has always been central to how I move through the world and try to make sense of it. Motherhood’s a huge part of that, too, especially raising two boys in a world full of toxic masculinity and hostility toward women. Those tensions show up in my lyrics and color almost everything I do.

Performance-wise, my style is still developing but I’ve learned to tell the difference between what I think is cool and what actually feels true to me. I admire artists who jump around and wear wild outfits and rage-scream, but if I were to try to do that, it wouldn’t feel authentic. The best thing I can do is trust that showing up as myself will have its own kind of power.

My lived experience shows up a lot in my lyrics, even when it’s not obvious on the surface. I love writing songs that can be interpreted in different ways, and even though people often assume they’re about my exes, they’re usually more about politics, power, and messy interpersonal dynamics than one specific person. I worked in mental health and social work for many years and that experience, along with motherhood and the responsibility of raising good men in this toxic and complicated time – all of that has definitely shaped the way I write. For example, I’m really drawn to the gray areas because most things in life are not as clear-cut as we want them to be.

So many of my favs are already in the Doll Fest fam! Like, I’m beyond stoked to be supporting Skip the Needle at Pre-Fest this year. I totally fan-girl them! But I would love to see Family Obligation at a future Doll Fest. They’re a San Jose power-pop band with super specific yet relatable lyrics and a fun, dynamic sound. They put on a really great show and plus, they’re rad people, which makes it even better!

There are always those times when people address the guys and don’t seem particularly interested in hearing from me. Our song “Space for Me” touches on that a bit. Sometimes I have to decide whether or not it’s worth putting in the effort to have my voice heard anyway. As an introvert, my energy is precious so I’m not going to waste it just for principle or to hear myself speak. But if I think female representation or my specific perspective is important to the conversation, I’ll butt in and speak up. It’s sometimes awkward and maybe a bit off-putting to some but…whatever. Life is messy.