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The Eradicator

Top 10 Holiday Do’s and Don’ts From The Eradicator 

Fa La La La La, La La La Squash!

Photo: Patrick Houdek

The holidays can be rough for a number of different reasons. As the weather gets colder, you’re forced to spend less time outside. Spending time with loved ones can be difficult, especially if they don’t understand that you have a squash game on Wednesday at 8:15. And of course, there’s the annual injustice of facing the fact that the court’s are closed on Christmas. This is why we asked our good friend and squash aficionado, The Eradicator, to list off his Top 10 Do’s and Don’ts for this holiday season. Enjoy and always remember – the holidays may suck, but they do not suck nearly as much as tennis does.

10.) DO – Bury the hopes and dreams of your opponent as they lay whimpering drenched in sweat on a lonely squash court while you hum the phrase “Victory is Mine” repeatedly.

9.) DON’T – Buy holiday gifts for anyone as you are merely enabling the continued fallacy of a sham holiday.

8.) DO – Steal any holiday gift that people buy and create a fraudulent receipt, returning it for store credit. Because credit is a form of currency and currency buys court time.

7.) DON’T – Give me some bullshit excuse about why you lost the match because you were out late last night buying holiday gifts and were tired this morning. First off, refer to point #9 above and second off, you suck.

6.) DO – Wake up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat because you realized that you are facing me on the squash court, and you also acknowledge that my game is a special game which strikes fear into all of my opponents.

5) DON’T – Watch NBA basketball on December 25th, because eww.

4) DO – Watch that VHS tape that I sent you in the mail of me destroying you on the squash court, because on that great morning I took away your ability to experience any form of joy, and now you have to lie to your two children every year about some guy in a red costume who delivers gifts to them through your chimney.

3) DON’T – Think that point #10 above is a thing that you’ll ever be able to do, because while you may have dreamt that you’ll be able to dominate an opponent like the Eradicator does to the pussheads of the world, you’ll soon realize that it will never happen to you. And you awake in sweat, like you did on point #6.

2) DO – Buy my holiday EP entitled The Court’s Closed on Christmas, available online through Programme Sounds, Stonewalled, and Underground Communique because your money is currency and currency can be exchanged for goods and services, such as cab and court fees.

1) DON’T – Continue to celebrate this sham holiday perpetrated by the great ancestors of Brent Armstrong who fabricated some weird tale involving “Baby Jesus” and “Santa Claus” for the sole purpose of keeping my grandfather, the Grandfather of Squash, off the squash courts for the same day every year.

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